Parenting isn't for Sissies

WARNING: Only mothers, doctors, nurses, and coroners should read this story. All others are likely to be offended and/or get sick. If you don't like knowing too much, then stop reading now! :-)

Oh my goodness, y'all are not going to believe what happened today. First of all, my poor baby (who is 9 months old today!) has been having so much trouble with constipation ever since she weaned herself about 3 weeks ago. So I've been helping her out. How, you ask? First of all by giving her prune juice every day. I figure it's gotta help! And then, when I see that she is straining to pass something (and it's very sad and pitiful, let me tell you), I immediately grab her up and rush her to the changing table where I strip her diaper off and proceed to push her legs toward her chest and spread her little rump cheeks apart to allow for easier passage.

Well... No more.

Today, I heard the whimper and looked down to see her crouched on all fours in her "poop position," so I quickly grabbed her and ran her to the table where I could "assist." Ok, now, here's where it gets graphic.

Lying on her back on the table, Sara is about chest height; so I was leaned over a little bit, pushing the underside of her thighs (which were facing me) towards her chest. Poor, poor baby -- she was grunting and pushing and screaming like a woman in labor, and I, just like any good coach, was soothing and encouraging her. "Come on, baby, you can do it! That's my girl, push it on out. Oooooh, I'm sooo sorry, baby girl! That's it!" My skills rivaled the best doula, I'm sure. [GRAPHIC WARNING] I continued to coo and sooth as she strained and pushed out little turds, when suddenly, I heard what I thought was our water pipes bursting, and tasted ... yes ... tasted a mouthful of poop!!! OOOH it was awful! You know how you always hear people say, "Those baby food green beans look just like baby poop." And then you try them and think, "Nasty -- they taste just like baby poop too!" Well, I'm here to tell you -- they taste like chocolate cream pie with whipped cream compared to the real thing.

And it wasn't just my mouth. ("just".... ha!) It was all in my hair, all over the door behind me, the wall next to her changing pad, the floor -- everywhere!!! It looked like we'd been having mud fights. I stood in utter shock and horror for a full minute, willing my brain to come up with a plan. I was covered in poop, the room smelled like a neglected animal shelter, and Sara was struggling to roll off her changing pad and spread the damage further.

But, like the truly converted Blake that I am, I decided, step #1 was pictures. So I put the changing pad (with Sara still on it) on the floor and ran and grabbed the camera. I knew that no one would believe me when I said how horrible it was if I didn't have proof. Then it was into the shower for both of us (I had a huge pile of baby doo to get out of my hair, not to mention my eyes... mouth... ears... ewwwww!), and off to bed with Sara so I could scrub and disinfect the entire war zone.

Well, there is one bright side to the whole episode. At least Sara isn't constipated any more.